Phew – it’s been almost a year, followers of mine. It is at this moment I have something to say.

Today I had an appointment with a neurologist that was recommended to me. This was (what feels like) my 77th attempt to get to the bottom of ongoing symptoms related to my head / neck that abruptly started April 30th of last year (2025). I’ve done all the tests and all the blood work, tried a variety of solutions recommended to me, and also had my fair share of solutions recommended to me that I didn’t try, including one from an absurd doctor who assumed I had a condition without even looking at my MRI, prescribing me a medicine that would alter the spinal fluid in my brain, warning me I’d never like seltzer water again and that I may feel a little weird for awhile. It’s been such a long and hard process, with many peaks and valleys.

Peaks and valleys can be so much deeper than just what’s happening circumstantially. Often, when things come to a head and you feel like you’re hitting rock bottom, when outside circumstances get the best of you and you get a glimpse of your inner world spinning out of control (valleys), there are much more profound things at stake brewing. It’s what can then be what in fact sends us to that peak we yearn for, if we take hold of these moments and let them shape us and transform us, renew us. Flowers grow in the valley – to quote a song by Samantha Ebert.

I can pinpoint one valley in this journey where I just cried, not of pain. No, I’m pinpointing a time that I cried when I was hit with realization that I was making an idol out of answers I was seeking, and good health I was desperate for. Coming to terms with the fact that my hopes were in good answers and good health, not in the Lord and what He has for me. And when our hope is in the wrong thing, there is always the magnified potential of and real fear of losing it!! If I were to get good answers or good health, then I’d be clinging to that and paralyzed at the thought of losing it again! That one Bible verse truly makes sense in this context:

For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it (Matthew 16:25)

Fast forward to today’s appointment. I almost cancelled it because I did seem to be making some progress towards better health, and I was tired of appointments that sometimes led only to backwards stepping. But thank God he led me to keep it, because this new doctor was able to pinpoint my condition in a way that was not only crystal clear for once, but it also made sense of all the other appointments and attempts that have been accumulating in over a year’s time. I had all these puzzle pieces I was trying to fit together, feeling like I had to – but feeling ill-equipped to – land on exactly which doctor and which method and which piece of advice I was going to sign onto. And I would feel so uneasy and discouraged any time I felt my own takes on the matter were challenged by feeling worse again. This doctor painted a much broader picture that put all these puzzle pieces into a clear image; she organized the chaos. My MIL said there’s always a period of time in the middle of a painting where she feels lost and considering abandoning the process, but then if she pushes through that, the whole image starts to emerge. That’s precisely what was happening here.

Much to my surprise (having gone in to the appointment with a “I won’t hold my breath” attitude), this appointment had me on my knees praying and crying afterwards. This time my tears were the result of so many emotions at once: relief, encouragement, guilt, regret, conviction. Some of these words may seem out of place, but let me remind you it’s truly through our circumstances and our trials where we really get tested, where our strengths and weaknesses come to light, where we get stretched and pushed way beyond what our understanding of the situation initially was. And this is where the Lord works and this is where the Lord shines. If we seek Him, He will work and He will shine.

Last week, we heard a sermon by Dave Buehring (visiting pastor who is one of my favorites). One part stood out to me….he said sometimes he will say yes to something, and then God will say, “hey, you better come to me about that first!” So then he’ll say, “you’re right, God” so he will pray and pray about it, and God will sometimes still lead him to that same decision, and he thinks “what was that, God?” But his point was umistakable.

Well in the car after that sermon, I was telling my kids about something I said yes to without seeking God first. And it was much to P’s surprise – because he sees this thing I said yes to (that is still in my life now!) as a good thing, something I am passionate about. I said “well yes, maybe it was what God would have had me say yes to anyways, maybe it isn’t. That’s kind of what I’m saying! Who’s to say, who’s to know. Because I didn’t seek Him first, I can’t be sure. But we can still pray after the fact; it’s always good to pray period. He can make good out of bad always.”

Even good things aren’t actually good when our loves are out of order! Good isn’t always right. We can’t take full joy and full fulfillment in something we aren’t sure was backed by God, urged by God. Even if it’s easily identifiable as a “good” thing by others, even by our sisters and brothers in Christ.

Again, back to today. The doctor said, “I don’t have time to dive into what was happening in your life April 30th of last year, but you would see my point if we did.” Her point was that it’s my central nervous system involved here, and my condition was set off by stress – she knew whatever was going on then, it was stress at the root. She wasn’t wrong, and my stress was a result of saying yes to too many things, to saying yes to perhaps the wrong things (again, perhaps not) ….all of my yeses past and present started colliding this month of April 2025 and it was spinning out of control.

When you say yes to something, you say no to something else. What are you saying yes to, and what are you saying no to? Are you asking God what you should be saying yes to and what you should be saying no to?

This is why I was filled with regret. Here I was, immediately remembering telling my children just one week ago an example of a time I said yes before I should have. But then down on my knees I was also recounting the fact that when I did seek the Lord after the fact, like Dave Buehring talked about, God DID start directing me – directing my yeses and no’s that were at hand. Once He even spoke to me by way of another ridiculous doctor who misdiagnosed a heart issue that I learned after the fact was a side effect (for me, anyway) of one of the medicines I was taking. I went for medical advice but instead I got parenting and life-management advice – there were many assumptions and judgments made. Yet God still used THAT to move the needle in my life and have me come to terms with the fact that there was still some truth in her misfirings. And that’s what God does!! He speaks when we ask Him to! It becomes much greater of a story than defensiveness or hurt pride or anger, which are very human responses to situations like this. Prayer leads us to strip away all the noise and pursue what He has for us in all of it, and that, my friends, is a much richer story.

I recently got to talk to my oldest about the power of prayer. He was at a crossroads – being recruited for a sports commitment he wasn’t sure he was willing to take on. He was so torn. I told him to pray about it, and I’m sure that sounds like such a cliché phrase – like an afterthought! But I told him, “listen, let me tell you how prayer works, though. It’s not like you’ll pray and then just automatically know what’s right. As it stands right now, one moment, you are all in for saying yes, but the next you are wanting to say no. You feel lost and torn. Well if you are praying about it as you also think through it, God will lead your thoughts – you will actually start to feel clarity. And you’ll know it’s Him leading you there BECAUSE you had been praying about it.” And that’s exactly what happened: he was led. He was no longer torn.

God DID lead me to this right doctor, and God DID lead me to more no’s I needed to say, so that I could say yes to other things God has for me. It was a messy process filled with moments of shame and so much questioning and confusion and wayward walking, but it’s never too late and we are never beyond repair. We are saved and we are His and He paid the price and we no longer live in bondage to these things. It’s what makes sense of these song lyrics (Jonathan McReynolds, “God is good“):

May your struggles keep you near the cross / And may your troubles show that you need God / And may your battles end the way they should / And may your bad days prove that God is good / And may your whole life prove that God is good

Block out the noise and get on your knees. No matter what came before that moment, God has you where He wants you when you’re looking up. I am closing with lyrics from this beautiful song that captures the essence of all I’m trying to say and how beautiful our union is with God:

Would you like to know the sweetness
Of the secret of the Lord?
Go and hide beneath His shadow
And this shall then be your reward
And whenever you leave the silence
Of that happy meeting place
You will surely bear the image
Of the Master in your face

Signing off for now……but I’ll be back before a year goes by again, because my no’s to other things is a yes to blogging again 🙂