“When a child comes into your life, it is time to relearn life, not teach them your ways.”

What River has taught me about life and faith in the 5 years and 9 months he’s been part of my life is too big for words . Many of you know the major testing and building of faith Nate and I underwent the whole second half of my pregnancy, when the doctor told me at my anatomy scan that there were such major problems, we should consider termination. And if you know that, you probably also know the continuation of battles River has had to fight since birth. But still, if you know all of this, you likely also know how incredible of a story God has written and continues to write through this child. God chose River.

Yesterday, River turned five years old, and he rang in his fifth year with hospital scrubs and a smile…..I thought we were looking at his 5th brain surgery for birthday #5, but God continues surprising me!

The day before his birthday, I was at a friend’s house with my sister and a bunch of kids between us. On the way to her house, River commented that “his brain hurts” but was holding his neck (hmm), and he was laughing about it. I am always triggered when ANYTHING that could be shunt-related surfaces, but it helped that his brother’s throat was also a little scratchy and sore that morning. What started as a play date with swimming and smiles and good adult conversation quickly turned into me zeroing in on River who was just not acting himself. He wasn’t eating, he was randomly putting his head in my lap, he wanted to go downstairs to play away from buddies and wanted me to come with him. I was starting to get that feeling – that feeling of knowing there is a tiger in the room. I was humoring him by standing all the superheroes up in a line – his request – as I studied him lying down between each figure’s moment of glory while trying hard to rally and ignore what he was feeling. I asked him to look up at my wiggling fingers (one of the signs of shunt malfunction being that he wouldn’t be able to), and he grabbed his head and told me not to make him do that. I immediately called Nate and told him I believed we were heading into shunt malfunction territory. I slowly gathered my stuff together, knowing we had much time before we could be confident to take him in, and River surely did what he could to make us all think he’s cool as a cucumber, but I knew better.

River laid his head in his lap most of the drive home, while still trying to let off an energy that he’s okay, especially with his brother P trying to make him laugh. I gave him Motrin for his rising temperature when we got home, which turned things around enough for us to know we had to at least wait until tomorrow because nothing was quite bad enough. These times I have gotten to know well…..where we have to carry on as if nothing bad is happening, while also holding space for the possible reality that we might be heading into brain surgery in the very near future.

The next morning, he was fever-free and happy, but the subdued nature of his smiley energy had me convinced there was a tiger still in the room. He kept scratching his head, especially near his shunt, and I told Nate I wonder if that precedes swelling along the shunt line (a sign of shunt malfunction). Sure enough, as soon as I was handing him over to his speech teacher early afternoon, I noticed a small degree of puffiness developing along his shunt line. I told his speech teacher what I think that means, sent him back for speech, and called Nate. It felt like Nate knew the call was coming; he was ready in every sense of the word.

When River came stumbling out of speech the way he usually does (just so full of life and laughter, that boy!), I got down on his level and told him we needed to take him to the hospital to have the doctor look at his shunt. The way he so easily accepted that was another confirmation to me; he knew something wasn’t right with his shunt. I started trying to put on my pep talk hat and tell him how strong he was and how God is going to look after him, but he was already in that place. He already had a fearlessness about him that was put there by the Lord. “Moommmm, you already saaaaid that,” he said, clutching my face with such an intense seriousness that his face shakes, like he always does to make me laugh. He skipped on into Dad’s car without me even telling him to.

You might think this is strange, but I have pinpointed it. The way River was surrendering to having to make his way to the hospital reminds me of the way Jesus surrendered to the much anticipated day of making his way to the cross.

“While he was still speaking, Judas, one of the Twelve, arrived. With him was a large crowd armed with swords and clubs, sent from the chief priests and the elders of the people. Now the betrayer had arranged a signal with them: ‘The one I kiss is the man; arrest him.’ Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, ‘Greetings, Rabbi!’ and kissed him. Jesus replied, ‘Do what you came for, friend.’

It’s not that Jesus wanted to die on the cross. Just the night before, he told his disciples “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” And he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

Yet it came to be known, it was indeed God’s will for it to happen this way, and when he was confronted to be taken to his unfortunate destiny, he had a God-given peace about it. Not a happiness, but a peace. To the point that one of Jesus’s companions drew out a sword and struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his ear. And Jesus said to him, ‘Put your sword back in its place, for all who draw the sword will die by the sword. Do you think I cannot call on my Father, and he will at once put at my disposal more than twelve legions of angels? But how then would the Scriptures be fulfilled that say it must happen this way?’

The sweet surrender when we know it’s not ours to determine, but God’s. The sweet surrender of not necessarily understanding God’s ways or His will, but knowing we can trust anyways. The sweet surrender of being untouchable and unflappable even when it hurts, if we know we have taken it to God and therefore know we are following the path He has us on.

Let me tell you – my 7-year old (who I call A in my blog posts), has this understanding down pat. When River was on his way to the hospital with Dad, we prayed for him. I asked A how and why he was so calm and steady. I said, “Are you just not really thinking about it much or are you just feeling a strong sense of trust in God?” He said, “Both. I just know that God has a plan for him.” And A says that with every hurdle any of us come across – an unwavering understanding that God’s got a plan for each of us.

Here is part of a video Nate took right after his MRI, that of course I’m going to make deep and profound!

“Crying? That’s old stuff.” YOU GUYS, THIS IS HUGE. He is essentially quoting Ephesians 4:

²⁰ That, however, is not the way of life you learned ²¹ when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. ²² You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; ²³ to be made new in the attitude of your minds; ²⁴ and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

There was crying on the way to the hospital when Nate prepped him that he will probably need the noisy machine, just like there was crying in the garden the night before Jesus’s death. But when the time comes, we take heart. River didn’t even need the twilight anesthesia they typically give little guys, he was so still. That’s the Holy Spirit in him, I’m telling you. My one friend wrote this once I sent her this video: “I fully believe this child has the Holy Spirit of God moving in his soul. What a beautiful testament of the grace of Jesus.” And another friend commented on my sister’s birthday post honoring River: “You are a very special boy and everyone who comes in contact with you can’t help but be touched by the special gift that God has instilled in you of hope and faith that God is certainly in control.”

As I write this blog post, I am moved by the song “Church” by Tasha Cobbs Leonard and John Legend (listen to it); these lyrics I resonate with deeply:

Where’s the piano?
With all of its bangin’
And where are those people?
With all of their praisin’
And all the emotions that I have been chasing
Where is that feelin’?

God, it’s just You and me now
Tell me what to do now
Teach me how to have church on a Monday
You can be my company
Here’s my heart, take the lead
Teach me how to have church on Monday

Just hours before taking River in….those are the times the air feels so thick. That space I explained above, where you’re operating as if nothing bad is happening, while also confronting the possibility of heading into battle in the very near future. That’s why when I heard these lyrics, I felt it so deeply, remembering back to that very morning just a couple hours before go-time. Life and the journey of faith is not always mountaintops and praised hands. Brandon Lake’s “Hard-Fought Hallelujah” is a good anthem for this point. Some days and some moments, praying does not feel good or come easy, the right words and right sprit aren’t obvious. But still, that’s when we pray. I prayed. I prayed for this to be the former, not the latter (nothing bad happening!), but I also prayed that in the event of the bad happening, that God would make it KNOWN to me and Nate. For us to have the discernment and confidence to know it’s time to take him in. And God DELIVERED. As He always does! He let me catch a glimpse of just enough “puff” around his shunt to have the confidence it’s time. And let me tell you all, it’s a whole other burden to carry, staying confident when we have a smiling, joyful boy at the hospital, with seemingly nothing wrong. To stay strong and confident that we are there for good reason is a feat. But we have God to fight that with us and He gives us that same strength that He gives River! And sends me all the right people to encourage me along the way.

Just like Jesus prayed to God when overwhelmed with sorrow, I cried out to God that I was losing confidence in choosing to send him to the hospital at one point after talking to Nate about the status, but that it’s not like I wanted River to have brain surgery to prove to the world I wasn’t jumping the gun! It was such a terrible feeling! Just like the song, it was a moment without the piano and the bangin’…it was just me and God then. “Here’s my heart, God, take the lead.” That’s when my friend called me and spoke truth over me and I was back in action, back to remembering that I acted on what I felt the Lord leading, and no matter how it ends, “you did what was needed and you move forward. No justifications needed either way.”

Whooooooo-wee. Let me tell you how the Lord answered!! As it turned out, River’s shunt setting had somehow changed from 2.5 to 1.0, which means his shunt was draining 60% more fluid than it should have been! What this also means is that he did not need brain surgery – this can be fixed from the outside! I still cannot get over the way we pray to God sometimes, and it’s like we hand him a couple possible outcomes and ask that he helps us manage the two possible outcomes, but then sometimes there is this other outcome we didn’t even know existed. I’m telling you, this is God!! He’s done it time and time again in River’s life.

Here is a photo of River right before his MRI…this thumbs up was to tell us once again, that God has a plan for him. River knew it, A knew it, may we all come to know it….that He has a plan for YOU. And if this story sounds like it can’t happen to you this way, IT CAN. You guys, start praying. And He will show you. He will move. He will provide. He will teach you.

I didn’t even know what God was teaching me this time around, it’s been such a blur! I knew I needed to write a blog post but I didn’t know what I wanted to say. Well I went to bed last night telling God to tell me what to say, because I had nothing. Well here I am this morning with a boatload of fish…..remember that story? The disciples weren’t finding one single fish to catch. They asked Jesus for help, he told them to put the net on the other side of the boat, which sounded absurd, but they listened and they had too many fish to carry. This is what God does for ANYONE who asks, so just ask.

Happy 5th birthday to my baby (yesterday). It is the biggest honor of my life to be your mom and learn from you.