Part One: Leading Up to Surgery

There is so much to think about and decisions to make when it comes to how we will handle the six-week period of recovery (details forthcoming). I am reminded of the Israelites after fleeing Egypt. They wandered in the desert for 40 years before reaching the Promised Land. During this time, God provided substance for them to eat in the form of manna, a bread-like substance….he rained down this “grain of heaven” for them to gather and eat. They were commanded to go and collect a daily portion of manna each day, enough for that day only, not to try to save any for the morning. Any manna saved up for the next day in disobedience to the Lord would fill up with maggots. Oof, if that doesn’t say it all.

Lord, give us this day our daily bread. Can I get an amen?

Part Two: The Day Of Surgery

I received a text from a good friend who prays for our little River every time she comes across Scripture about rivers. Here is the one she prayed for us on this day of major surgery:

Psalm 105: 41-44
He opened the rock, and the waters flowed out,
so that rivers ran in the dry places.
For he remembered his holy promise
and Abraham his servant.
And he brought forth his people with joy,
and his chosen ones with gladness;
And gave them the lands of the nations,
and they took the labors of the peoples in possession,
That they might keep his statutes
and observe his laws. Praise the Lord.

We are ready, Lord. And all of our prayer warriors are, too. Let’s gooooo!!

Part Three: After Surgery

Huge sigh of relief!!!! We have had this surgery on our radar since March and it’s a bit surreal that it’s now in our rear view mirror. Surgery went as smooth as possible and we left with discharge papers the very next day.

I was recently reading a devotional that stated Pastor Rick Warren’s revelation that he used to think the Christian life was a succession of battles and blessings, whereas now he thinks of life as being on two tracks. “At any given moment in life there are usually blessings, but also battles to face. He gives the example of the huge blessing that came to him through the publication of ‘The Purpose Driven LIfe,’ which became the fastest-selling Christian book of all time. It gave him enormous influence. But at the same time he found out that his wife, Kay, had cancer. On one track of his life there was great blessing; on the other track there was a massive battle to face.”

I see truth in this, and I personally would add that the simultaneous battles alongside the blessings is what makes the blessings feel that much greater and to be cherished. Sometimes, the greater the intensity of the battle feels, the greater the parallel blessings feel, as well. That was true in the days and months following the original hard news that our baby had so many issues that doctors said we might consider terminating the pregnancy. And it was true in the 24 hours following this surgery that occurred on Friday, as well.

The battle was intense: it was an all-consuming minute-to-minute battle trying to figure out how to keep River comfortable. We were told weeks ago that to get to the meningocele, they have to cut through the dura, which they do close after surgery but it’s not water-tight for SIX WEEKS. That meant we were to keep River from straining, which includes “pushing” (they told us to give him laxatives), trying too hard to move around or sit up, and crying fits; otherwise we risk leakage of brain fluid. That first moment he started crying after surgery, I was just cringing at the realization that this recovery was going to be an immense feat. Here he was hooked up to all kinds of wires which made it hard to hold him, and on top of that, he had this massive stretch of stitches (way bigger than we expected to see) all along his neck and back of head, not to mention they “swept” the neck muscles to the side to get to the meningocele (which causes sore muscles). Additionally, he was dealing with pain from the circumcision, gas pains from the anesthesia, and sore/hoarse throat from the breathing tube which affected his willingness to eat. The struggle was physical (he is a BIG BOY), mental, and emotional–pretty comparable in intensity between the three of these. Even between the two of us, we were having trouble meeting all of the needs (including our own) and differentiating between cries/whines, even between basic needs of babies (tired, hungry, etc) vs. surgery aftermath. And to top it all off, the hospital staff came picking and prodding and wanting tests done on him at all the wrong times (like a right time exists, though, right).

In that type of all-consuming battle, the blessings lie in EACH AND EVERY minute of respite. Each and every minute in which he was not crying or whining, each and every minute we were not feeling helpless to comfort our little bubs, each and every minute he was peaceful. Those minutes gave us pause and urged us to just be still and be thankful (theme of the year, am i right?). Perspective changes when stakes are high, when battles are intense. It really sheds light on what I consider hard when I’m not in this kind of moment, reminding me I need to reconsider what “hard” is, and that I need to buck up a bit in the “hard” outside of hospital walls.

But of course, we continually fail in whatever it is we are trying to do, we continue to fail in trying to put into practice what we learned when we were in the trenches. We continually need a Savior! Continually need God’s sovereign hand guiding us and helping us. It’s not a fail that dooms us but a fail that frees us and allows it to be transformed to victory.

One of my besties wrote to me in the thick of it. She sent an image of words stating: “As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you” (Isaiah 66:13). She said, “Repeat this back to yourself right now.” It’s what I needed when I was so depleted and insufficient in comforting my own child, to remember I am a child of God and I needed Him to comfort me like I was comforting mine. And unlike myself, His love is perfect and it never runs dry…. “but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life” (John 4:13b-14).

Oh trust me, I had my Psalms 6 moments…..”I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears. My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies.” Okay, it was never close to this bad but it is for some and it was for David when he wrote this! We aren’t promised a life free of pain. But on this long, hard night, I felt Isaiah 41:10 and I felt it hard, being strengthened by God and upheld with his victorious right hand.

I just want to thank you all for all of the thoughts, prayers, care, encouragement, check-ins, etc. My friend wrote this to me the night before surgery:
“May the symphony of prayers of the warriors rise up to the heavens and God’s grace and mercy flow down upon you all.”
I was struck with the beauty of that image and it stuck with me throughout my entire stay at the hospital. I just felt completely covered in prayer and care and as a result, I felt a peace and calm that transcends all understanding as I awaited the results. There is nothing more powerful than the feeling of being completely surrounded with love and to know there are hundreds of people praying on your behalf.

What a wild ride!!!! And it’s a privilege to have you all with me!!!